Or rather, the lack thereof.
Today, April 2, 2020, I was supposed to fly to Texas to attend the World Modern Arnis Alliance Texas camp.
A student (and good friend) of mine were flying down together, I was going to spend a good day being able to train directly with my teacher Mark Lynn and some of my fellow Hidden Sword students, and then attend the camp for three days, coming home on Monday.
It was going to be such a fun trip, one I really needed to make, and I was super-excited to go.
And then COVID-19 struck and it was canceled.
I thought I was handling the cancellation of this camp - one I've attended the past three years in a row - pretty well.
So what if I don't get to do what is, after all, just a hobby. My life doesn't depend on going to this camp. There are people suffering and dying and I can just stay home. In the scheme of things, this isn't really very important.
People have it so much worse than I do and I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind. So I hadn't really gotten too upset about it.
My workplace has a "spirit week" this week and today, of all days, the theme is "wear something that represents some place you want to go or to be doing". It's a way to boost morale and to keep team cohesion while we all work remotely, and on other days, it's fun to participate in.
So this morning I decided to wear a martial arts shirt that represented doing Arnis in Texas for me to wear. As I got dressed, it hit me, and it hit me hard.
I was supposed to fly to Texas today. And it hurts so much that I'm not going.
I do not get to see so many people that I've become very close to while doing the thing I love almost more than anything else in the world.
I don't get to train with them, laugh with them, eat with them, hang out with them, and spend a few days back in the arms of my tribe.
I especially am missing out on some productive time with my teacher, and that... that I really, really hate.
I am trying very hard to be upbeat and positive through all this, y'all. I really am.
But not today.
Today I'm going to indulge in mourning a bit of what I've lost, even if in the scheme of things, it's pretty trivial.
It's not trivial to me. Even if it comes off as being petty, and selfish, and very "first world problems" and "privilege" and all that...
This SUCKS!
That's all I got today, kids. Sorry to be such a downer.