Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Seven Secrets of the Martial Arts REVEALED!

Okay, I'm sure that somebody is gonna send a squad of ninja assassins after me for writing this post. 

But your friend the Stick Chick is going to take the risk, because I'm all about the truth.

THE. TRUTH.



Here's seven secrets of the martial arts - REVEALED!

BLACK BELT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU AN UNDEFEATABLE BADASS

Yeah, yeah, we talk a good game about how black belt is just a representation of having mastered the basics in a martial arts style. Sure, we'll deny that having a black belt in a martial art style doesn't make you special.

The truth is, earning your black belt is literally the highest achievement of most of our lives.  Earning it requires having to defeat 50 men in an underground kumite tournament, or defeating 17 professional UFC fighters in grappling, or killing at least seven men if you are learning weapons (in the UK, it's really tough as you have to do it with nothing but a rolled-up copy of the Radio Times).

A real Black Belt can't be defeated in a street fight, no matter how many people jump them in a dark, bad alley behind a dive bar.  A real Black Belt can manipulate time and space around them (like Doctor Strange but WAY cooler) and can kill you by shooting a rubber band at a pressure point.

YES, THERE IS A BEST STYLE TO LEARN FOR THE STREET

But why would we tell YOU so you can learn it?  We keep that stuff super-secret so we're the only effective street fighters, duh.

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT - BRUCE LEE OR CHUCK NORRIS?

Here, I'll let you figure out that one for yourself.  Only one of those guys is alive, and I'm pretty damn sure that even though he's getting up there in age, Chuck Norris would win vs. Bruce Lee's corpse.

Unless we're talking Zombie Bruce Lee, then... well... we're all doomed, like all the people living in big cities when Super Heroes fight Super Villains in the climax scene of big-time superhero films.

The face of the Apocalypse

YES, I'LL BE HAPPY TO SHOW YOU A MOVE

There you go.  What, you didn't see it?

I'll do it again.

Ninnnnnjaaaaaaah!

DO WE HAVE TO REGISTER OUR HANDS AS DEADLY WEAPONS?

Of course. Here's where you can do that.

ARE MARTIAL ARTISTS REALLY SUPER DANGEROUS?

I just said we have to register our hands as deadly weapons, so what do you think? I spend most of my days wandering around, looking for random people on the street to challenge just for fun. Of course, these are folks out walking a dog or pushing a stroller, or old ladies doing yard work, or middle-aged accountant-types washing a car in their driveways.

Hey, I live in the suburbs, guys. These are my streets.

I've won at least 53% of those fights, sooooo...


WHAT IS THE BEST MARTIAL ARTS WEAPON TO LEARN FOR SELF DEFENSE?

Nunchucks, without a doubt.  They're incredibly practical and deadly and you can sneak them in anywhere you like, if you're creative.

 You really should get yourself some nunchucks and just start copying Bruce Lee (not Zombie Bruce Lee, who doesn't need nunchucks, obviously) by moving them around really, really fast (they don't work otherwise), preferably in a space where there's a ceiling fan or many breakable items (especially collectible heirlooms like little porcelain children or animals).

You totally won't hit yourself in the fingers, the head, or the groin. It never actually happens, all those videos online are staged.

And no, you don't need a teacher, like you don't really need a teacher for most martial arts weapons. You can just do what they do in movies, because that's totally realistic and is SUPER COOL.

What other secrets of the martial arts need to be revealed? Fellow badasses, chime in!