Saturday, June 6, 2015

KIAAA-HA! KUNG FURY

It's no secret that I enjoy awful martial arts movies (I also love really bad 80's "sword and sorcery" and "apocalypse" films, mostly knock-offs of "Conan the Barbarian" and "Mad Max").



After all, I have an appreciation for Miami Connection.

So you know I was drawn to Kung Fury like a ninja is drawn to throwing stars.

At the bottom of this post is the film in its entirety (note - NSFW for language).  Here, I attempt to write in words the basics of what happens in this film.

I shouldn't have to say it, but this post is chock full of spoilers for the movie.

Be assured that nothing I can write comes even close to the totally radical - nay, totally bitchin' - events in the movie itself.  Nothing I write will spoil your enjoyment of the film one little bit.  The English language is not adequate to describe how awesome this movie is.

The first thing you should know is that this film, in High Definition, looks like a transfer from an ancient technology called videotape.  And yes, for those of you old enough to remember, you get "tracking" and other errors that we used to enjoy oh, so much.

I miss that as much as I miss the connecting sound my old 2400 baud modem made when connecting to FidoNet boards.

This film is scarily accurate as to what Miami was reportedly like at the time.  "Miami Vice" was a comedy compared to the reality of it.  Or so I've heard.

(Miami...what are the odds? If the hottest band in Orlando shows up - or motorcycle ninjas...)

So yes, this film accurately depicts the Video Game Transformer incident of 1985.  If you think it's bad in the film, well, let's just say that you don't want to see what happens when a Centipede game gets pissed.

The 80's were a weird time.

So, let's get to the movie.

A video game transformer runs amok, the regular police force gets their butts handed to them. They need backup - they need KUNG FURY!

Just another Tuesday night in 1985 Miami.
Now, by this point in the film - just under two minutes in - we have already seen a ridiculous amount of violence.  Eventually Kung Fury defeats the Video Game Transformer with the requisite huge background explosion.

Sweet.

We then get Kung Fury's origin story.  Long story short, he's a cop whose partner is murdered by a "mysterious kung-fu master" in a back alley.  At the moment Kung Fury tries to kill said master, he is struck by lightning and bitten by a cobra.  Simultaneously.

Yes.  You read that correctly.

Anyway, this makes him the chosen one - the only man who can learn a new form of Kung Fu.  He becomes a crazy kung-fu mutant.

The Death of the Mysterious Kung-Fu Master. No, I will not explain it more than that.

Kung Fury causes $50 million in damages and gets a new partner - Triceracop (yes, it's a Triceratops in a police uniform).  Kung Fury quits the force because like all 80's action movie hero cops, he works alone.

Then our friend Hitler -as in Adolf Hitler - shows up.  Of course he does.

Hitler shoots up the police station - killing Kung Fury's boss and a lot of cops - by firing his pistol (with a seemingly endless supply of bullets) into one of those giant Motorola cell phones and the bullets come out of the phone on the other end.

That is not a feature that was well documented in that handset, so now you know.

Guns don't kill people, the Motorola DynaTAC 8000X kills people.
Image found here.
Kung Fury needs the help of Hackerman (who wears the best 80's type mullet I've seen since, well, the 80's) to trace Hitler's call.  Once Kung Fury discovers it's Hitler, we get the background story of Hitler's Kung Fu prowess (he called himself Kung F├╝hrer) and his attempt to master Kung Fury himself, but failed, and disappeared.

Until now.

Kung Fury decides to go back in time to Nazi Germany to kill Hitler. Hackerman - in an awesome sequence that is giving me flashbacks to the era where wine coolers were cool - "hacks" him back in time.

Oh, he's sure.

Unfortunately, Hackerman hacks too much time.  Kung Fury ends up in the Viking age - you can tell by the laser-raptor - and meets Barbarianna, who kills said laser-raptor with a machine gun.  He travels with Katana - another Viking - on the back of a dinosaur. 

Go with it.

When Katana hears of Kung Fury's flight, she summons giant Thor - whose pecs are epic - who sends Kung Fury to Nazi Germany, but not before Kung Fury leaves a cell phone behind (and his number) for Barbianna to call him sometime.

In Nazi Germany, we come upon a scene of two Nazi soldiers discussing the merits of each others' mustaches.

Neither is impressed.
Kung Fury smashes them with a tank.  Quoth Kung Fury: "Tank You."

Next follows a sequence where Kung Fury attacks a Nazi Rally where Hitler is talking about how awesome he is at Kung Fu.  Again, words fail me - you have to watch it to appreciate it.

Oh, just a taste.
In the end, Hitler shoots Kung Fury, and it looks like our Hero is toast.  But then Thor shows up, bringing a dinosaur, Triceracop, Hackerman, Barbarianna, and Katana with him.  They kill the Nazi horde (again, too epic for words), but Hitler has a giant golden robot Eagle to take on the dinosaur.

Yes, a giant golden robot EAGLE.

In the mean time, Kung Fury ends up in an animated sequence that is so very 80's I think I want some New Coke and a Jello Pudding Pop.

He meets Cobra, his spirit animal, in Heaven.  Kung Fury is dead, but he needs to go back to earth, so he arrests Cobra for obstruction of justice and attacks him with a classic flying kick, and this sends Kung Fury back to Earth and back to life.

Kung Fury returns just as the dinosaur/robot eagle battle is ending. Kung Fury and Hitler square off.

Hitler welcomes Kung Fury and his friends to Germany and notes how alike he and Kung Fury are - they both like red, they both like "doing moves", and they both like killing people.  They're like brothers, they could finish each other's...

"Balls", says Kung Fury, and epic punches Hitler there, which causes Hitler to fly dozens of feet in the air. When he lands, the robot eagle goes to protect Hitler, but Thor crushes Hitler and the robot eagle into nothing with his giant hammer.

Kung Fury tells Triceracop he misjudged him- he's the "best damn partner he's ever had". 

They hug.

When asked what they do now, Kung Fury says he has to head back to the office - this is gonna require a lot of paperwork.

Cue group laugh.

Back in 1985 Miami - two days earlier - the Video Game Transformer is rampaging.  Kung Fury tells the Hoff9000 (yes, that would be THE David Hasselhoff9000) to open the doors of the car (remember that first epic sequence at the beginning of this post)?  Witty banter ensues.

But in the middle of the battle, the robot eagle and Hitler show up!

Kung Fury is finishing off the Video Game Transformer, but as he does, he notices a swastika on the cabinet.  He's seen that symbol somewhere before.

Overhead, the robot eagle and Hitler fly off into the night...

Cue credits.

"Kung Fury" in its entirety here:



Click here if you can't see the video.

And YES, there's a music video. David Hasselhoff made one.  It's here:

Click here if you can't see the video.


My words do not do this film justice.  Take a half-hour and watch it. You won't regret it.